Several years ago, I was Best Man in a wedding. If you know the rules of weddings, you know that this position comes with the requirement that you give a speech. I was very nervous. I needed to nail this speech for my friend. I read articles, read example speeches, I even read Buzzfeed articles (”10 things NOT to do in a Best Man Speech”). I spent about a week preparing, rehearsing, and working on the speech.
When I memorize a speech, I like to first memorize it robotically. Let me give the speech verbatim a couple dozen times. This drills the structure into your head. Then, you can start to free up a bit. Add in some “um’s” some, “uhhs”, or even just some pauses. Add some humanity. You can even change up the language a bit, because you know intuitively where you’re going. Sure, you’ve got some key phrases because you like how that particular turn of phrase sounds, but as long as you know where you’re starting, where you’re finishing, and the stops you’re making along the way, you’re good. You even know which parts to cut in case the speech is running a bit long.
Then, the final step is to move away from the printed speech, and move to a notecard. Obviously you don’t write the entire speech out. That would be a TERRIBLE mis-step. You write the highlights, and you only need it in case you get lost or frazzled. For example, my Best Man Speech looked something like this:
- Hey Everyone
- Doesn’t she look beautiful?
- Friends in High school
- Fishing – Heron
- Golf – Divot
- Meet, obsessed
- Happiest with her
- Love isn’t finding…
- Raise glasses
Okay, so we’ve established a process for writing a speech. Given that the title of this essay is “On Memory”, and I’m belaboring the process I went through to learn this speech, you’re probably expecting me to tell a story about how I botched the speech. Froze up and failed. Well, that’s not what happened at all. I gave the speech, and in my memory, it went perfectly. I spotted a few people crying. It was a solid blend of humor and warmth. And it finished reminding everyone what love is. The Maid of Honor felt upstaged (she reacted as such, at least). The speech was great, and I was proud of it, and most importantly, I was happy that I could in some small way honor my friend. That’s what a Best Man speech is really about.
The connection to memory starts the following morning. My Dad told me it was a great speech, and he sent me the video he took of it so I could watch it.
Why on earth would I watch that video? I have a lovely, first-person memory of that moment. I blacked out a bit (as I always do when speaking in public – the memory portion of my brain shuts off a bit for some reason), but I remember how I felt, and I remember how I felt I made everyone else feel. I have a wonderful, lovely memory of that speech. Why would I spoil it by watching a video of it?
Video memory is technical memory. It’s remembering the facts. “You said this. There was some laughter. You then said this. The woman in the front row wiped away a tear.”
None of that is emotion. None of that is the important part of memory. Maya Angelou said “They won’t remember what you said. They’ll remember how you made them feel.” (tk: verify quote) Photo and video memory removes all of that. Don’t get me wrong, photos and videos are great for showing others what we’re up to. A well taken photograph can convey majesty and emotion. But a third-person photograph will destroy your first-person memory. The moment you see a video of something you did, you start to lose the first-person memory and you begin to remember the video.
We have a tendency to take videos and photos of ourselves seeing what we’re seeing, instead of just taking a photo of what we’re seeing. That makes it personal. Otherwise your photograph of the Grand Canyon is pointless, and you’d be better pulling a professional photograph of the Grand Canyon from Google Images. But I would disagree with that sentiment. It’s true that your photo is not as good as a professional using a $12,000 camera who has 17 years of experience. But your photograph is from YOUR first person. They are great for reminding you of the moments you had. When we take a photograph, it serves as documentation for others, but it serves as a reminder for ourselves.
I will continue to take plenty of photos and videos. But when you are in an incredible place and you take a photo of yourself there, I’d urge you to then turn the camera around. Share the photo of yourself with your mother, grandmother, cousins, and friends. But the photos from your point of view – those are special. Those are the ones you should save for yourself. Sure, a low quality photo of a canyon in the middle of Idaho under a highway overpass may not be interesting, or even particularly good. But for me, it reminds me of the freedom I felt in July 2020 when I took off on a road trip across the country. To most, it’s a beige dessert. To me, it’s freedom.